Disclaimer:
This story is a complete work of fiction and in no way endorses, encourages or promotes self-harm, suicide, etc.
If you feel depressed, suicidal or are in a negative state of mind, please reach out to your friends and family. If you do not feel comfortable discussing such information with friends or family, feel free to reach out to the Sneha foundation helpline and other suicide prevention helplines.
It was a pretty ordinary night, except for the fact I wasn't feeling like my usual self. I was angry at the world. I was tired of getting up each time and being knocked down. I was mad at life, so I decided to end it. Angry and disillusioned, I headed up the ladder, making my way to the Ledge. I sat there staring down at the steep drop that was to be my end. I sat there reflecting on my life, thinking: What brought me here? Why do I want to die? Trying to rationalise and validate my decision before I took the plunge, that would be the end. So I decided to debate myself to ensure I was making an informed decision where the winning argument would determine if I lived or not.
So, I said to myself: You have no one. To that, the prompt reply was
That's not true; you have a family.
To this, my reply was: What Family? The family that I have for a namesake? The family that isolated Maa and me after Baba's death. They rarely called us. They could have done something for Maa's birthday, at least.
My mind's answer to this was:
Sahil, families, have families of their own, plus Maa is a very proud woman. She wouldn't and won't accept any help from anyone.
Partially convinced, I said to myself:
but still, they could have done something.
So I have no one.
not willing to concede so quickly, my mind asked:
What about your friends then?
You have friends.
To this, my reply was:
What s the point of friends when they are unavailable? When they are so far away, head-deep burrowed in their college work, or they are so far away that the physical distance and online texts limit us to heartfelt conversations that occur once in a blue moon.
And to meet a completely new version of them, with no resemblance to the person you knew.
Feeling the pressure to not lose to myself, Looking for a strong argument
, my mind asked:
What about the girl you love?
What about her?
After a brief pause, her image flashing in my mind, A smile on my lips, I said to myself:
Well, she is amazing, she is perfect, she looks like a goddess. She is a beautiful person. She is so special.
She is a star.
It's funny, almost cute, how she doubts herself and compares herself with others when she is in a separate league of her own.
But I'm so meh in comparison. She'll find someone.
As I stood there contemplating and preparing myself for the plunge, I was waiting for a supernatural event to occur, coz why not? Like an angel appearing out of thin air or a voice from the heavens, I was waiting for something, any sign like a text or a call. None occurred.
And then I felt a sudden hit of dizziness hit me, and I stood there frozen, devoid of control of my own body with the growing urge to throw up.
Then realization dawned on me. This was the sudden rush of adrenaline. My body wasn’t going to let me die. So, I slowly seated myself, surrendering to my body still disappointed, broken and angry, only this time with a head-splitting migraine.
As I sat there for a while, unbeknownst to me, a supernatural event did occur; a strange sense of calm flooded me quietening my mind s questions with the word “Possibility”.
Not knowing what tomorrow is and the possibility that it’s better than today — the probability of success and acceptance, even love.
After taking a final glance at the beautiful night- Chennai-sky, I gathered myself and descended the ladder glad.
